Breaking News

— hat tip: Al

LATE BREAKING NEWS:
Newborn found naked in barn —
Police and Social Services Investigate Carpenter from Nazareth;
Under-age delusional mother arrested, charged with criminal neglect.

Dateline: Bethlehem, Judea

In the early morning hours of December 25. authorities were notified by an alarmed citizen. He discovered a young family, who lives in a barn.

Upon arrival, the investigators of the social services division, who were supported by local police, found a newborn baby-boy, who after having been delivered by his 14-year mother, lying in container for cattle feed.

Also arrested were three foreign nationals who identified themselves as “wise men from a near-eastern country”. The Secretary of the Interior as well as customs and immigration authorities are currently trying to establish the exact whereabouts of said three men, who apparently are in the country illegally, and may be charged with terrorism.

A police spokesperson informed the press that these men do not have any identification papers with them. However, they were in possession of gold, as well as other illegal substances. They resisted arrest and claimed that God had asked them to return to their home and to refuse to make statements to the police as well as to avoid any contact with government agencies. The chemicals that have been found along with the illegals have been sent to a police forensic lab for further examination.

The whereabouts of the newborn have thus far not been released. A fast investigation and conclusion of this case appears to have been forgone. After inquiries from the press, an employee of the social services agency stated that “the father is of middle age and the mother is definitely not an adult. We are checking with the authorities in Nazareth, what relationship these two have with each other.”

Maria meanwhile is at Bethlehem County hospital for further medical and psychological exams. She has to expect to be prosecuted for criminal negligence of an infant. Her mental state will be further examined as she claims not only that she was still a virgin, but also that the infant was God’s son. In the meantime, she is being medicated with the most powerful anti-psychotic drugs Big Pharma can provide.

An official bulletin from the head of the department of psychiatry states that, “it is not my position to tell these people, what they should believe. However, if what they believe, as this in this case, leads to the endangerment of a newborn, we have to consider these parents as delusional and dangerous.

Finally, the following information was revealed: the shepherds on location continue to maintain that a large man wearing pajamas and two wings had asked them to find a stable and let the newborn live after he was born. A spokesperson of the drug enforcement agency stated, “This is probably the most stupid and ridiculous excuse of a full-fledged junkie that I have ever heard in my life.”

Worked Up

Sometimes I can get so worked up. Case in point — after dinner I sit down at my computer and glance at my Google homepage for an update of the day’s events. I notice that the Mets have increased their lead over the Braves, that Dell is now offering PCs preloaded with Linux and that New Hampshire approves same sex marriages.

WHAT? Oh my… I am beside myself. What am I to do. Surely I can not remain silent. My bride notices that I have become visibly upset and asks, “what’s the matter?” I am not exactly sure how to break the news to her. You see, my bride and I feel strongly about marriage and have worked at ours for over twenty two years now. Oh, what to do?

I finally explain to my bride what ‘they’ have gone and done. “What am I to do”, I ask. She leans close to me, wrapping her arms around my shoulders, and whispers in my ear, “It’s not mandatory.”

December Dilemma


How dare they? Don’t they understand that we have the constitutionally protected right to market our saviour’s birth in stores across this land of ours? American Family Association President Tim Wildmon cautions businesses most directly exploiting our heritage of uncontrolled consumerism in this country that they would be wise to advertise appropriately “if they expect Christians to come in and buy products during this so-called season.” Others doubt the likelihood of any noticeable change in christian stewardship.

Always the purveyors of reconciliation, the Anti-Defamation League suggests a different tact by avoiding problematic language and dropping all references to ‘christmas’ and ‘holiday’. DFL suggests replacing these words, used in reference to the months leading up to December 25th, with the more applicable words “December dilemma.” The point being that these words speak so much more directly to the heart of the season.

Such a move not only addresses the vocabulary of the season, but it also greatly expands marketing possibilities. In addition to the giving of various electronic gadgetry and burned CDs of pirated music, choices in the service industries become attractive gift options. Practitioners of various psychological treatment products would be the most obvious to profit from such a seasonal moniker change.

OK I’m Older Than Clint, But This is Crazy


ERROR Date Precedes Database Limits (You’re really that old?)

OK, we manually looked up some relevent data and found the following:

Noah creates a new vacation sensation — the cruise

Noah also becomes the first naval commander to utilize arial reconnaissance

Naamah becomes the first mom to threaten, “If I hear ‘are we there yet’ one more time, so help me…”

…also the first wife to suggest, “why don’t you just ask for directions?”

Shem leads the Ararat Mud Puppies to their first bocce championship

Ham and The Sons of Noah release a cover version of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat”

Japheth writes, produces and directs “Titanic – The Prequel”

Strom Thurmond and George Burns are born



What Happened the Year You Were Born?


More cool things for your blog at
Blogthings

iLemmings

Yes, the technology world is a buz with the pitter-patter of the iLemmings. These creatures desire so strongly to conform to the Jobsian sense of creative selfworth that they will get so excited over the slightest non-event — but, they actually can be rather cute.

One cause of their hysteria is a device destined to gently tap on the bedroom window of the personal music world by providing what so many others already provide. That’s not all, there’s no un-stylish display to distract the little iCritters from their creative endeavors. They just simply comply with the order in which the device determines to present their music and they are ever so iHappy.

… and then there’s this bit:

Apple Offers $29 Nano-Mac, Hardware Not Included
by Scott Ott

(2005-01-12) — In another uncharacteristic effort to woo the masses, Apple CEO Steve Jobs today announced that starting in February his company would ship a “starter version” of the iconic Macintosh computer which will sell for only $29 — hardware not included.

The announcement follows yesterday’s launch of a $499 Mac mini — a small metal box with no monitor, keyboard, mouse, or other peripherals.

The new $29 Apple Nano-Mac promises to “reduce desktop clutter, while instilling the confidence and feelings of self-worth shared by Mac users worldwide,” Mr. Jobs said.

And while critics charged that the bargain-priced Nano-Mac is “little more than a silver Apple logo sticker on an empty matchbox with no ports, plugs, peripherals or programs,” Mr. Jobs was quick to point out that all of those “high-end extras can be purchased at Apple.com by users who like the Mac culture and zeitgeist and want to upgrade to a more hardware-centric experience.”

A Little Blog Satire

‘Blog’ No. 1 Word of Year, But ‘Instalanche’ Not in Top 10

[Thanks to Scott Ott at ScrappleFace]

(2004-12-01) — Merriam-Webster, the dictionary publisher, today announced that ‘blog’ was the most-searched word on its website in 2004, and will be added to the dictionary in 2005. However, the term ‘Instalanche’ failed to make the top 10, delivering another crushing blow to blogger Glenn Reynolds.

The dictionary will define ‘blog’ as “an online journal which produces fame without wealth for pajama-clad scribes, known as bloggers, who write so well they don’t need editors and who survive by eating ramen noodles and Tang powder from a spoon.”

‘Instalanche’, which missed a top 10 ranking despite a vigorous lobbying effort, is “a brief but powerful spike in blog traffic, generated by a link from InstaPundit.com, which creates in the affected blogger a fleeting sense of euphoria and heightened self-esteem, followed by weeks of doubt and progressive self-loathing.”

InstaPundit creator Glenn Reynolds could not be reached for comment. However, unnamed associates said that the Instalanche production business has such a small profit margin that Mr. Reynolds must moonlight as a law professor just to make ends meet.